We did it! On Tuesday, Fumiko and Mom and I took the Amtrak Acela express to Boston and successfully installed Mom in her new home. On Mom's part, it was a largely peaceful transition. She enjoyed the train ride, which included a number of "snacks," and was impressed with the attractive building and grounds of the nursing home (Hebrew Senior Life). Her personal space there is of course rather small, but my sister Margie was cheerful about taking to her house some of the mountain of Mom's possessions we had brought, to hold for future needs. Margie reported the next day that Mom seemed to be busy and happy there, and Margie was very optimistic about her adjustment.
To backtrack a bit, I had a busy weekend. On Saturday, I washed almost every bit of Mom's clothing that is washable (if not machine washable, I won't send it). I hadn't realized until then what a lot of clothing Mom actually owns. I referred to the coming trip about every two minutes during the day (Let's take this when we go to your new home in Boston on Tuesday..."), and I instructed the weekend caretakers to continue this litany. Even so, she continued to express surprise from time to time (and one of her reactions after arrival in Boston was that no one had prepared her for this!).
Sunday afternoon we had a party at Mom's apartment for six of the current and just-past caretakers who have worked with her. They were all interested in meeting each other, and in saying good-bye to Mom. Fortunately, Mom does seem to evoke affection in others very easily! We brought in fried chicken and wine, Fumiko made miso soup and salad, and Cora (one of the helpers) brought a big apple pie. I encouraged the helpers to take some memento of Mom (clothing, book, art object), and almost all of them chose a few books to take away.
On Monday, I went to a little cake-and-coffee ceremony at Mom's day center, where everyone said good-bye. Mom was very gracious and appreciative. Monday afternoon and evening was a whirlwind of packing. I quickly realized that we would have to cut back on taking everything, but even so we had four suitcases and a cardboard box, including two radios, her calendar-clock, and a number of framed family photographs, plus the wheelchair and a walker!
I slept over at Mom's and got up at 6 to start gathering loose ends. Contrary to my fears, Mom woke up easily and was full of energy and cheer. Fumiko arrived at 7 and began wrestling the luggage into some portable mass. We were downstairs ready to go, Mom in her Queen-Elizabeth red hat looking very pert, by 8:40. By 8:45, the car had not arrived, so I called and they had lost my reservation! They promised to send another by 9 a.m., but I was a bit distraught, since the train leaves at 10. We managed to cram everything into the standard sedan when it arrived, and I white-knuckled it through the heavy traffic for 30 minutes. We got to Penn Station at 9:40, somehow blundered our awkward way to the elevator, picked up the tickets, and were escorted to the train by a redcap. In our seats with 5 minutes to spare!
The ride was pleasant, we arrived on time (actually a little before we expected, so we had a mad scramble to get out before the doors closed on us), found a taxi and got to the nursing home at about 2 p.m., right on schedule. Margie was there to meet us and we successfully negotiated the various formalities. At 4, I said a quick good-bye to Mom, and Fumiko and I left to have dinner with my Boston son and his family. Margie seemed to be gamely taking up the reins of control, and for myself I could only feel an enormous relief as I turned over to her almost all my responsibilities (I'll still be handling the finances from a distance). I hope Mom will do well there, and I think she will. Everyone seemed very friendly; lots of kissing, which Mom likes. And lately she's been so confused about where she lives and what her life consists of that I don't think she will actually miss anything. One small advantage of dementia is the absence of nostalgia and regret.
We were back in New York by midnight, and up early the next morning to begin the process of emptying Mom's apartment. Though it's exhausting work, I feel some satisfaction at clearing out cabinets and closets of 40 years of accumulated stuff, which I have been trying to ignore and work around during the past 4 years of caring for Mom. Most of the stuff has no history for me (ancient suitcases, an iron with a frayed cord, etc.), but occasionally there are surprises, like a huge white Irish linen tablecloth with the labels still intact. We'll have an apartment sale and then donate what's left over.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
11/24/07: A breakthrough!
Last Tuesday afternoon, two days before Thanksgiving, the (first) nursing home called to say they had a bed. Fumiko thinks this was because I had just mailed the application to the second nursing home the day before! (Although neither of the two applications they claimed to have mailed has ever arrived, I asked my son in Boston to go over there on Sunday, pick one up, scan it, and email it to me, which he did -- he's a computer professional with a houseful of hi-tech stuff).
So, after some jockeying, we arranged to bring Mom to Boston on Tuesday 11/27 for admission. Fumiko and I will take her on the train. Between now and then is Thanksgiving, packing, and a couple of good-bye parties. Although Mom may not remember the parties, perhaps they will help her accept the change, and they will definitely help others to deal with her leaving. (In particular, Mom has a devoted admirer at her day center who will be devastated at the loss. They originally met at Mom's previous day center, and this woman changed centers when Mom did, two years ago. I would call her a "friend," except that Mom seems relatively unconscious of this affection.)
Thanksgiving was very nice, at my daughter's in the suburbs of Westchester County. Mom seemed to enjoy herself, and only got cranky and demanding toward the end of the day. Coming home was a struggle -- first a car, then the train (crowded), then the elevator at 125th Station was broken, so two policemen carried Mom in her chair down two flights of stairs. Then the chair wouldn't fold up, so we took a bus rather than taxi home, arriving about 10 p.m.
On Friday I bought train tickets, and planned a party for all the current and recent helpers for Sunday. I also talked to Mom's doctor about the state of her bowels, which have been very loose lately, making toileting more of a problem; I'm worried about frequent toilet access during the 3.5-hour train ride. Today, Saturday, is for talking and packing. I decided to delay talking to Mom about the move until today, when I'm there for the day. Thanksgiving is complicated enough without adding Boston to the brew (though other family members were eager to discuss the new developments, and I had to keep shushing them). I don't know how Mom will react to the actuality of it. We have talked about it as a future event, and she behaved as though we were discussing a third person, but now it is definite. I don't want to have to drag her to the train kicking and screaming.
So, after some jockeying, we arranged to bring Mom to Boston on Tuesday 11/27 for admission. Fumiko and I will take her on the train. Between now and then is Thanksgiving, packing, and a couple of good-bye parties. Although Mom may not remember the parties, perhaps they will help her accept the change, and they will definitely help others to deal with her leaving. (In particular, Mom has a devoted admirer at her day center who will be devastated at the loss. They originally met at Mom's previous day center, and this woman changed centers when Mom did, two years ago. I would call her a "friend," except that Mom seems relatively unconscious of this affection.)
Thanksgiving was very nice, at my daughter's in the suburbs of Westchester County. Mom seemed to enjoy herself, and only got cranky and demanding toward the end of the day. Coming home was a struggle -- first a car, then the train (crowded), then the elevator at 125th Station was broken, so two policemen carried Mom in her chair down two flights of stairs. Then the chair wouldn't fold up, so we took a bus rather than taxi home, arriving about 10 p.m.
On Friday I bought train tickets, and planned a party for all the current and recent helpers for Sunday. I also talked to Mom's doctor about the state of her bowels, which have been very loose lately, making toileting more of a problem; I'm worried about frequent toilet access during the 3.5-hour train ride. Today, Saturday, is for talking and packing. I decided to delay talking to Mom about the move until today, when I'm there for the day. Thanksgiving is complicated enough without adding Boston to the brew (though other family members were eager to discuss the new developments, and I had to keep shushing them). I don't know how Mom will react to the actuality of it. We have talked about it as a future event, and she behaved as though we were discussing a third person, but now it is definite. I don't want to have to drag her to the train kicking and screaming.
11/17/07: Stress is building
We had a big argument, in which Thanksgiving was both a cause and an effect. It ended, and we will have a nice Thanksgiving at my daughter's home, but the fight perhaps showed that we are both nervous about making so many changes in our life.
In ten days, I have been unable to get an application for the second nursing home. They claim to have mailed it twice, but it doesn't arrive. I wonder if they will be able to care for my mother properly?
We have had five new helpers in the last few weeks, which has meant a lot of work for me interviewing and training and stress for Mom, who gets anxious with new people, and with the feeling of being left out during the interview/training process. It's starting to settle down now, finally.
Aside from training helpers, we spend a lot of time trying to organize the stuff in the household, giving a lot away on freecycle and succeeding in reducing the clutter considerably. Fumiko has found an ad for a desirable job in Toronto, sent a resume, and received an encouraging response, so she is eager to get there and start living. I am glad we have a few more weeks, since the apartment is still covered with piles and boxes of stuff to be dealt with.
I got in touch with my real estate lawyer (whom I engaged some months ago for this purpose) and had him begin the sublet negotiations with my landlord, who is so far proving evasive. I also requested liquidation of one of Mom's securities, to generate cash for the (hopefully) soon-to-come nursing home. This was the final step in a chain. I didn't want to sell anything that would result in a large capital gain, and I didn't want large checks floating around in the mail. So, I set up direct deposit to Mom's bank (get form from company, trip to bank with Mom for signature guarantee, copy and mail form), and determined the cost basis for this security for taxes (call bank to request reinvestment history since 1984, then several calls to interpret and verify this information). See what an exciting life I have?
The weather is turning cold, and we are reminded that it may be much colder in Canada. However, watching the temperature ranges on Yahoo, it doesn't seem that Toronto is that much colder than New York, just a few degrees. Now, Ottawa is another story...
In ten days, I have been unable to get an application for the second nursing home. They claim to have mailed it twice, but it doesn't arrive. I wonder if they will be able to care for my mother properly?
We have had five new helpers in the last few weeks, which has meant a lot of work for me interviewing and training and stress for Mom, who gets anxious with new people, and with the feeling of being left out during the interview/training process. It's starting to settle down now, finally.
Aside from training helpers, we spend a lot of time trying to organize the stuff in the household, giving a lot away on freecycle and succeeding in reducing the clutter considerably. Fumiko has found an ad for a desirable job in Toronto, sent a resume, and received an encouraging response, so she is eager to get there and start living. I am glad we have a few more weeks, since the apartment is still covered with piles and boxes of stuff to be dealt with.
I got in touch with my real estate lawyer (whom I engaged some months ago for this purpose) and had him begin the sublet negotiations with my landlord, who is so far proving evasive. I also requested liquidation of one of Mom's securities, to generate cash for the (hopefully) soon-to-come nursing home. This was the final step in a chain. I didn't want to sell anything that would result in a large capital gain, and I didn't want large checks floating around in the mail. So, I set up direct deposit to Mom's bank (get form from company, trip to bank with Mom for signature guarantee, copy and mail form), and determined the cost basis for this security for taxes (call bank to request reinvestment history since 1984, then several calls to interpret and verify this information). See what an exciting life I have?
The weather is turning cold, and we are reminded that it may be much colder in Canada. However, watching the temperature ranges on Yahoo, it doesn't seem that Toronto is that much colder than New York, just a few degrees. Now, Ottawa is another story...
Thursday, November 8, 2007
11/07/07: Plan B
Fumiko was in Toronto from Saturday to Tuesday, and returned full of enthusiasm and energy. The vague idea of "Canada" is now a reality! Her immediate impressions (comparing Toronto to New York and Tokyo): Toronto is tiny; everyone is kind and helpful beyond belief; prices are high (even after the 8% premium to convert U.S. into Canadian dollars!). She stayed at a Japanese B&B near the University of Toronto (i.e., near the downtown area) and immediately made friends with all and sundry -- two people are visiting us in New York this coming weekend! There is a large Japanese population in Toronto, not to mention throngs of other East Asians, South Asians, and Middle Eastern folk. Fumiko says that at times she could not believe she was in Canada because there were so many non-white people on the streets. She brought back maps and local newspapers (in English and Japanese), and dreams of running her own small-scale B&B.
The nursing home continues to be polite but vague. When I asked if the forms for medical history had been sent out, the social worker said "The secretary is working on it," which I assume means she really doesn't know. Nothing stands in the way of admission, she says, except waiting for a bed (x people must die), and that cannot be predicted. Other steps in our move are waiting until Mom moves (or has a date to do so) -- closing her apartment and subletting my apartment -- and I have nightmares of it turning into January or February before she gets admitted. Unthinkable. So, yesterday I called a few other places in Boston and found one that is also near my sister and has vacancies; they will send forms and I'll apply there also. My sister is, understandably, opposed to a double move (to this place temporarily, and then to the desirable nursing home when it becomes available). I am, too, in theory, but I need a Plan B to avoid getting stranded here. On the homecare front, two helpers left (one for good reason and one not so) in the past two weeks, so another hiring/training effort has become necessary. This time I'm warning applicants that it is a temporary job.
Fumiko's sister recently had an operation to reduce her pain from osteoporosis, and to increase her range of movement. Contrary to Fumiko's fears, other member of the family stepped forward to assist in this difficult time, and the patient seems to be doing well so far, and to be optimistic about the long-term results of the procedure.
The nursing home continues to be polite but vague. When I asked if the forms for medical history had been sent out, the social worker said "The secretary is working on it," which I assume means she really doesn't know. Nothing stands in the way of admission, she says, except waiting for a bed (x people must die), and that cannot be predicted. Other steps in our move are waiting until Mom moves (or has a date to do so) -- closing her apartment and subletting my apartment -- and I have nightmares of it turning into January or February before she gets admitted. Unthinkable. So, yesterday I called a few other places in Boston and found one that is also near my sister and has vacancies; they will send forms and I'll apply there also. My sister is, understandably, opposed to a double move (to this place temporarily, and then to the desirable nursing home when it becomes available). I am, too, in theory, but I need a Plan B to avoid getting stranded here. On the homecare front, two helpers left (one for good reason and one not so) in the past two weeks, so another hiring/training effort has become necessary. This time I'm warning applicants that it is a temporary job.
Fumiko's sister recently had an operation to reduce her pain from osteoporosis, and to increase her range of movement. Contrary to Fumiko's fears, other member of the family stepped forward to assist in this difficult time, and the patient seems to be doing well so far, and to be optimistic about the long-term results of the procedure.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
11/01/07: Not much new
The application has reached the nursing home, and I have stressed to the social worker there the importance of speed. We really want to move Mom in 4-6 weeks, so if they can't take her that soon, maybe we'll consider a temporary location.
Fumiko is going to Toronto this weekend for three days. She got a cheap fare on Continental (US$162 round trip), and found a Japanese B&B there. A friend of a friend will guide her for part of a day.
We are slowly working our way through the apartment, inventorying everything and deciding what to keep, what to give away, etc. Very slowly -- it takes a lot of time. I've tried selling a few things on eBay, with disappointing results, but I've had great success giving things away using freecycle, a mailing list for offering and requesting free stuff. It has thousands of members, and so far almost everything I have put up there has been wanted by someone, usually by many people. A teakettle, a half-filled penny collection, a pitchpipe, old antenna wire, partly-used art supplies, etc. Amazing, and for a sentimental packrat like me who can't throw anything away, a godsend!
We've interviewed a couple of potential subletters, but our vagueness is a problem. People like to know how long the apartment will be available, which is reasonable, but it's hard for us to predict when we will be able/willing to commit to Canada, find a semi-permanent home, and move all our stuff.
Fumiko is going to Toronto this weekend for three days. She got a cheap fare on Continental (US$162 round trip), and found a Japanese B&B there. A friend of a friend will guide her for part of a day.
We are slowly working our way through the apartment, inventorying everything and deciding what to keep, what to give away, etc. Very slowly -- it takes a lot of time. I've tried selling a few things on eBay, with disappointing results, but I've had great success giving things away using freecycle, a mailing list for offering and requesting free stuff. It has thousands of members, and so far almost everything I have put up there has been wanted by someone, usually by many people. A teakettle, a half-filled penny collection, a pitchpipe, old antenna wire, partly-used art supplies, etc. Amazing, and for a sentimental packrat like me who can't throw anything away, a godsend!
We've interviewed a couple of potential subletters, but our vagueness is a problem. People like to know how long the apartment will be available, which is reasonable, but it's hard for us to predict when we will be able/willing to commit to Canada, find a semi-permanent home, and move all our stuff.
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