10/24/07: What keeps us here?

Three things now stand between us and making the transition to Canada: getting my mom settled, and closing down her apartment; subletting my apartment; and making an inventory of everything that we might want to take to Canada, now or later. I've accepted the invitation of my daughter in Yonkers for Thanksgiving, as I doubt that we'll be in a position to leave before then.

After a few days of emails back and forth, and a few tears, my sister and I were able to agree on a plan. Since I have been managing Mom's finances and keeping the records, I will continue to be the financial guarantor and take whatever risk there is (what if Mom is denied Medicaid when the time comes, that is, when she runs out of money in a year or so?). Margie will visit Mom at the nursing home very near her house and provide ongoing emotional support, along with my son and other relatives in Boston. I finished the nursing home application today and sent it off, hoping that it will be processed fairly quickly so that we can all move on. Mom's care at home is becoming increasingly difficult to manage with the equipment and staff we have been using.

Fumiko is now healthy, but is alternately restless and lethargic. She doesn't have many friends left in New York, and no legitimate occupation other than packing up stuff in the apartment, and I guess she had her fill of that already in Japan. We have been thinking of taking a trip to Canada so that she can get an idea of it -- she's never been there -- and we went so far as to make reservations for a cheap flight last night. But overnight I worried that a visit might actually make things worse -- no resolution of anything, can't actually get a job or an apartment right now, etc. This morning, Fumiko said that she could go to Toronto (and maybe Niagara Falls on the way) on her own and look around. If she goes by train (which she loves), she could just stay as long as she needs to, without making advance return reservations. This plan seemed to energize her, and it's fine with me. I have a lot to do here just now. So I canceled the air reservations, and I'll let her make arrangements.

Last week we went to see "Three Mo' Tenors" at the Little Shubert Theatre and both enjoyed it. We also watch a lot of TV, and Fumiko has gotten me addicted to sudoku puzzles! The apartment is still in complete chaos. We are putting a few things up for sale on eBay and see how they do.

10/18/07: Progress is very slow

A progress report: My sister and I decided that it would be best to move Mom to a nursing home close to my sister in Boston. Mom is getting weaker, and it is clear that there needs to be a take-charge family member near her, wherever she is, which cannot be me. So, we have requested the necessary application forms to be sent to me, and are waiting. The n.h. in question cannot seem to give us much idea of how long it will take to admit (or reject) her -- "weeks or months," they say! Aiii. Under the current circumstances, I told the family that we'll most likely be here for Thanksgiving.

Fumiko is healthy now, and we have done a little sightseeing in New York City, and are working on clearing out the apartment of a few decades' accumulation of stuff. We're trying to sell some things on eBay, give away others via the freecyclenewyorkcity group, and donate to the gay center, the public library, and the electronics recycle site. But it's slow going, and the process tends to increase the clutter in the apartment geometrically, if only temporarily.

On Tuesday the phone broke (no dial tone), and on Wednesday they came to repair it. Seems the main connection is in the hall closet, behind about 30 pounds of stuff that we had to take out. So, that aided the general clear-out process. Almost 40 years I've been in this apartment, and I never knew that the phone connection was there. It's never broken before.

Subletting the apartment also proceeds slowly, or not at all. Since we don't know when we'll be leaving, or how long it will be that we'll want to hang on to it "just in case," the matter is vague, like everything else right now.

We did find out that the list of stuff to hand over to customs when we land can be suitably vague in most cases (500 pieces of clothing, 10 boxes of books, etc.). They're only fussy about electronics (show serial numbers, date of purchase) and jewelry (photos). And we also confirmed that we can go to Canada for a look-see without activating our visas. So in a few weeks maybe we'll get a cheap flight and visit for a few days. Fumiko has never been to Canada...

10/11/07: Visa in hand!

Today, Fumiko's cold is almost gone, and she actually slept until 5:30 a.m. In the afternoon, we went downtown to the Canadian consulate and picked up our passports, with shiny new Canadian visas inside. Fumiko took hers out and gazed at it many times during the day. Legal at last! We have to activate the visas ("land") by 05/05/08 (probably the date of our physical exams). If they are not used by then, they expire, and we have to apply all over again. Not to worry, we'll be there!

Details for fellow emigrants: Actually, they handed me a very large manila envelope containing the two passports and:

• a receipt for our last payment (dated 5/24/07)
• two forms in triplicate, with our photos affixed, entitled Confirmation of Permanent Residence -- I was warned not to sign them until we land
• a letter of instructions and warnings, some rather scary
• a rather comprehensive booklet "A Newcomer's Introduction to Canada"
• pamphlet "Residency Obligations for Permanent Residents"
• pamphlet "Settling in Canada: Information on importing goods for people intending to settle in Canada" (Pub. RC4151 at http://www.cbsa.gc.ca/publications/pub/pubs-eng.html). This indicates that there will be a lot of paperwork involved in bringing all our "stuff" into Canada, and that any possessions we bring in will need to "age" a year in Canada before we can sell or give them away, or pay duty.
  

One of the scary warnings in the letter is: "We strongly advise that you carry with you all of your personal and professional papers such as birth and marriage certificates, school diplomas and letters of reference." The context seems to refer to the border crossing. How seriously should we take this? All of the forms and documents we sent with our application, in November 2005, ran to about 100 pages!

Well, anyway, we braved several rainstorms to buy some Japanese goodies to have a little treat-and-TV celebration, and splashed home.

10/10/07: What to do about Mom?

Background: Eleanor has been supervising the care of her mother Vic, now 96 years old. Vic has short-term memory loss (like Alzheimer's) and really bad knees, but is otherwise healthy. Since a bad fall in December 2006, we have had a number of part-time people staying with her so that, in addition to her day center schedule, she is never alone. Vic lives in her own apartment on Manhattan's Upper East Side, a walk and a bus ride (or a short taxi ride) from Eleanor's apartment on the Upper West Side. Eleanor has been hoping to be able to continue this arrangement, avoiding the immediate need for institutional care, which we think will be hard on Vic, who has great trouble now learning new things (how to get from her bedroom to the dining room in a new place, for instance).

I guess my wish to continue her at home by remote control from Canada is not going to be doable. This morning she lost her balance getting out of the tub and hit her head, before the helper could catch her. Didn't fall all the way, since she was caught, but bumped her head and cut her elbow. Helper was upset, called me and asked if she should call an ambulance. I said no, I went there, let Mom sleep until 10. Woke her up, she drank orange juice, I discovered a cut on the elbow, bandaged it, then changed sheets because of the blood!

I called the doctor and he agreed (with me pushing hard in that direction) that if she showed no other symptoms than a bump which was painful to touch (no vomiting, dizziness, headaches, etc.), no need to go to emergency room for a CAT scan. Good. She had a big breakfast, didn't seem any different; she dressed, and I took her to the day center about noon.

So, I can probably get somebody who could stay with her from 8:30 on, after the overnight person goes to her day job, but it's hard to find someone who will take responsibility for making these medical decisions -- and then implementing them if the conservative go-to-the-hospital path is elected. Also, Mom is having more and more trouble walking, which makes caring for her more difficult. Currently, we mostly urge her along, but if/when she just refuses, I'm not sure what we'll do. The doctor says there are gadgets (machines?) that make lifiting her easier for the aides.

Also, this was hard on the heels of a fall last Saturday morning, again while the aide's head was momentarily turned. Apparently, she slipped off the edge of the bed where she was sitting, and took a lot of skin off her arm (her skin is very thin and fragile, and this often happens). So now there are two bandages to change! We'll have to be more vigilant now, but nobody can guarantee that we can eliminate all such accidents.

I'm really discouraged about this. I think I've just been dodging the reality. We've talked about taking her with us to Canada, but Medicare won't work there, and I don't know if immigration will accept her and/or allow her to have health care, and we don't even have a clear idea of where we're going at this point. I'll try asking about case managers here in New York, but maybe it's best if Mom goes into a nursing home near my sister in Boston.

10/8/07: Fumiko's body tries to catch up

This is Monday night, and Fumiko has been not only jet-lagged, but sick with a bad cold, since Friday. She's avoided visiting my mother, not wanting to infect her, and though she joined me on Sunday to see a couple of sites during Open House New York (www.ohny.org), she's otherwise been sleeping around the clock, waking up occasionally to send email, cook, eat, and watch a little TV. Poor thing! She's made some yummy food, however -- that seems to be more fun for her than TV. Anyway, it's not really "real life" yet because of that, and so we haven't made any plans for our future yet. I've been breaking in two new helpers for my mom, and we've both been successful in getting rid of some old computer parts, disks, etc.

10/4/07: Submit passports for visa

Thursday morning, I woke at 7 a.m. to hear Fumiko on the telephone with a friend in Japan (not to worry, I have a very cheap dial-around service). We decided to try for the Consulate today -- we can go 8:30 to 10:30, but we need to get photos before that. Left here about 8:30, went to CVS drug store, but they don't do different photos (specs for Canadian visa photos are different from those for US passports). To subway to go down to 48th Street, assuming we can find a photo store near the Consulate that knows the specs. However, my transit card wouldn't work! Expired, it says! I was frantic and made a lot of fuss, since I had just filled it yesterday, but the receipt was at home. I couldn't cope -- too many obstacles for one day -- and I stormed out toward home. There, I found the receipt, which showed that the transaction had not completed, so we went to the subway and I did it again, and we proceeded downtown once again, still had time.

Found a photo store (expensive, but you can't have everything), got the photos, and went to the consulate. There, it took only a few minutes to hand over the passports and photos and get back a little card that said to come back next Thursday between 2 and 3. Great! Well, we have already paid a lot of money and waited two years, so we certainly deserve not to have to cool our heels any more! Now I feel like we're really on our way!!

[Technical immigration note: The consulate asked if I had a letter from the attorney agreeing to let me pick up the visa directly in this manner, rather than through him. I said no, no one mentioned that -- not the lawyer, not the notification from Canada. They said no problem, they would call the lawyer. Neat! Later, I emailed our lawyer in Toronto about this and he said they asked him to send a letter for the record, even though it will probably arrive after we have picked up the visas. ]

It's so great to have Fumiko here! Since I'm not working, we can be together 24 hours a day if we want. After our victory over the forces of chaos (internal and external) this morning, we went to the Times Square Information Center to get a program for this weekend's Open House New York, some new bus and subway maps, and also found a few local Japanese newspapers for Fumiko. While there, we tried out their Internet cam and took our picture (see profile here) and mailed it to ourselves. Then, to 43rd Street where the Asian grocery Sam Bok used to be -- but the whole block is different, with skyscrapers going up on the south side of the street and (apparently) rents going up on the north side -- no Sam Bok, and no one to ask.

On to the Japanese block on 41st Street off Fifth -- a Japanese bakery-cafe, book store, and grocery store, where we loaded up. Then home, feeling like it's been a day well spent, and not yet noon!

10/3/07: Back together

Fumiko arrived on schedule on Tuesday, with a huge suitcase, huge duffel bag, smaller tote bag, and backpack. She splurged on a cab from JFK to 95th St. ($60). The apartment almost immediately exploded, with stuff lying in every room in disarray. She showed me presents (to her, from myriad friends and associates in Japan who will miss her), and dug out clothes, vitamins, toothbrush, etc. Her last days were apparently a whirlwind, so she just threw things in every which way.

Though she was tired, she wanted a celebratory dinner, so we went to our favorite restaurant, Saigon Grill, and had whole sea bass with crunchy skin, Bun Xao noodles, and wine. Ate it all and staggered home, stopping to do a little grocery shopping. At home, I soon discovered that I had lost my coin purse (again!). Never found it. About 15 bucks, I think, but it's always a little crazy-making, makes me feel I'm disintegrating.

She didn't sleep much Tuesday night, but finished her thriller novel. Wednesday morning, we began with computers. I wanted to use her old computer to get stuff off my old Zip and Jaz drives, which no longer work with any of my computers. So we started it up, solving each problem as it came up. We tried to get her Windows laptop to work with my old printer (which recently lost its Ethernet connection and is working off a kluge-y parallel-to-USB cable). She unpacked things, and sorted through stuff in a cabinet that she left here. I made a pile of broken electronics for a recycle event next Monday.

About noon Fumiko fell asleep on the couch while channel-surfing the television. I tiptoed around her, had lunch, went for a run, took a shower, dealt with email, had dinner, etc. She woke up about 5:30 and decided to go with me to a film showing downtown. They served snacks, and Fumiko accidentally splashed red wine on my favorite comfy tan slacks -- I lost the first hour of the movie stewing about this, but eventually recovered. At home, she called Tokyo to check in with her sister, who had had an important doctor's appointment that day, and she managed to cancel some very expensive medical insurance she had bought at Narita for a year abroad -- she was apparently not aware that there is free health care in Canada! That night she slept from 12 to 5 a.m.

10/2/07: Fumiko arrives!

Fumiko is arriving today! I have cleaned the house, emtied her side of the closet, and put some rice to cook. She's just closed up her life in Tokyo, where she has been for three and a half years (since January 2004, but here for the summer of 2004). It must be hard for her to do this. She's been shipping stuff here by seamail, but still not cheap. I wonder if she remembers how much of her stuff is still here from before...

I've been avoiding doing much about the transition to Canada, waiting for her to join me here and participate in these decisions. Even fairly trivial ones, like what to throw away, is hard for me, it seems -- or perhaps I'm just using this as an excuse to avoid unpleasant stuff. Since I retired three months ago, I have done some reorganizing (new file cabinet, etc.) and throwing out. But not nearly enough. There are mountains of books, papers, clothing, household bric-a-brac to deal with.